I am always feeling so inspired about this or that and then shortly afterwards end up feeling incredibly defeated. After a year of ladies only Passion Parties, I wanted to break away from that and focus on couples parties instead. That, too, just didn't seem to end up working out as I had hoped.
After my last party I felt entirely…uninspired. I felt empty. I began to ask myself what’s right for me, because nothing seems to fit anymore. I had this incredible nagging sensation that I just wasn’t doing my part around here to make ends meet. I felt this need to be doing something other than being Tavin’s mommy.
Yep. That’s when the bulb appeared over my head and the light blinked on.
For as long as I can remember I wanted to emulate my grandmother. She stayed at home, took care of me nearly everyday, cooked and cleaned, and taught me valuable lessons without even having to “teach” me. I just watched her. Watched her singing or humming as she baked a pie, did an impromptu chorus line dance in the kitchen, or delighted in the goofy things I did. Something about her life—her way of living—made me want to be just like her: funny, simple, joyful, loyal, thoughtful, grateful, generous.
She was a stay-at-home wife and mother. Her main “job” was taking care of the home and raising the children.
I’ve been struggling with this without even realizing why. I have always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mommy and now I am, but lately I’ve been feeling guilty. I’ve been feeling like I should be doing something else with my life. I feel the need to be participating in the finances; to pick up some of the slack. In my pursuit to “fix” things, I forgot what God has given me and just how much He has blessed me with this awesome opportunity and responsibility. But…
This world is killing the idea of mothers and the values, morals and ethics—basically the real responsibilities—of women. God created us to be life givers. Just as He is the creator of life, we too were given that amazing ability. But society wants us to believe that being “just a mom” isn’t good enough. That as women, we need to do it all and have it all. Unfortunately, in the process of doing it all in the pursuit to have it all, we have nothing of real value. Sure, we may have a bigger house, a shiny new car, or even a corner office with a great view, but at what cost do we have those things?
I began to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders with this concept of needing something more fulfilling: the world’s idea of what women should be. Us stay-at-home moms are usually referred to lazy, stupid, uneducated, worthless and socially unacceptable. I began to buy into this idea and felt heavy hearted about it because I was feeling useless.
A week prior to all of this, I wrote down specifically what we needed in order to financially make ends meet without having to struggle anymore. I prayed wholeheartedly over it and God said He would provide. But I thought by asking God for this provision that I was the one who needed to make it happen. I felt the need to fix it. I felt the need to do something about it to make it true. I thought the couples parties was the answer, so I stepped out and tried to make things happen and nothing did. So I was incredibly upset when I knew I was on the wrong path. I sat before God and asked Him what I was supposed to be doing. He simply said, “You’re doing it.”
God sat me down one morning and said, “I have given you the desires of your heart, just as I promised I would, and now that you have it you are dissatisfied. You have the greatest gift of all—the ability to be home with your child and raise him as you see fit. You are raising him to be intelligent, Godly, and polite. You are doing everything I wish the world would do right. Why is that not enough?”
When I came to this conclusion that being Tavin’s mommy is my career—and more rewarding than anything else I could possibly do in life—it was a few days later that Jared finally received his captain’s license in the mail. That’s a huge promotion for Jared, and now I don't feel the need to worry about how I will provide for my family. God has already done it.
There are some days I may not even get out of my pajamas.