Trying to Keep it Together

Yesterday was another incredibly rough day for our son, Tavin, who is suffering an unknown stomach affliction. With Tavin’s constant tormenting pain comes Tavin’s constant crying, whining, whimpering, squirming, collapsing, and nagging groans. 

I’ve been battling chest clutching anxiety attacks, and desperately trying not to release my anger by breaking stuff or punching an innocent bystander. My life has become chaotic and sporadic. This blog, which should only take a half hour to write has taken me four hours, as I’ve been called away to comfort Tavin, calm him down, get him a snack, give him medicine, get his juice, and hold him because he just needs his mommy. I’m happy to oblige, but unfortunately everything else in my life is suffering.

I was supposed to start my post-abortion counseling and facilitator training last week, and I couldn’t do it with everything going on. I was following a B90 (Bible in 90 Days) program and I’m currently three days behind. When my mom was in the hospital last week, I was only able to go see her once. I’ve had very little time to focus on writing. My primary blog, NOTE TO SELF: Daily Reminders from God, is meant to be “daily,”  not sporadic, reminders from God.

Everything I need to be doing, I haven’t been able to do either: church, Life Group, make dinner, clean, grocery shop, and even sometimes showering! (I know: YUCK!) This is what my life has become. And yet, I haven’t cracked…yet. I’m trying to keep it together.

I’m (barely) keeping it together by yelling at God, crying to God, humbling myself to God, worshipping God, praying, and asking others to pray for us. Although I’m three days behind in my B90 reading, I refuse to give up. I still open my Bible every night and read whatever I can before my eyes close in utter exhaustion from the day’s chaos and confusion.

I keep it together by keeping my connection with God. As often as I want to walk out on God like a betrayed lover and quit Him for good, I don’t. I keep Him nearby at all times. I remind myself of Who He is by teaching Tavin Who He is. I am convinced that whatever is happening in our lives, God will turn around for the betterment of not only our lives, but others, too; because God’s plans for our lives never exclude others who can benefit from our tragedies and heartache. I keep telling myself that…

I also keep it together for the sake of Tavin. I see his innocent face and determine to fight for him since he’s unable to do it for himself. And that sometimes means fighting the devil himself!

Last night my brother-in-law came over to watch Tavin so Jared and I could go out and celebrate Valentine’s Day and to get out of the house of a screaming, crying toddler in pain. We went to Red Robin’s and on our way out we grabbed a balloon to take home to Tavin. He loves balloons.

When we got home, I went in to say goodnight to Tavin and gave him the balloon. He wasn’t sleeping because he was still in agony and whining a bit. When he saw the balloon his whole face lit up. A sight we haven’t seen in quite some time! He laughed and played with the balloon and suddenly found himself able to stand up and chase it. As he giggled, grabbing for the balloon, it literally popped in mid-air! It popped so hard pieces of the balloon stuck to the wall! Tavin’s face dropped and he ran, crying with tears streaming down his face, into my arms. I was beyond angry at that point.

“That’s all he gets?” I boiled inside. “One lousy moment of joy and then it’s RIPPED away from him!?” I wanted to cry, but I wanted to comfort Tavin more. He just quietly sat in my lap, not moving. That’s been his story. Lifeless. Helpless. Hopeless.

In my Spirit, I felt the enemy tapping his talons in that balloon and screaming, “OH NO HE WON’T!” I felt it. I saw it. I was irate.

The devil underestimates me. He should know by now that the more he tests me, the more my anger is turned towards him. He’s trying to make me quit, and I won’t! He thought he could throw us off track by taking Jared’s computer, but I refused to cave in and bought a laptop on credit. He thought he’d get me to quit Care Net Family Resource Center because I didn’t have the energy or patience for it, but I’m not. I’m venturing forward to help women overcome the trauma of abortion, and help save the lives of unborn babies! He thought he’d get me to quit my blog by distracting me with Tavin’s illness, but I won’t, because God is using it in a mighty way!

I get it. I see what he’s doing and I’m going to fight, not only for my life and the plans God has for me, but for my family and the plans God has for them! My anger only intensifies my relationship with God. It only makes me want God more! And so I run to God. I drop at His feet and demand that He listens. I beg for an opportunity to kick the devil in the teeth and light the eternal flame to his doom. I’m sure I’ll be standing in a very long line, but I know God will grant me the honors, and maybe that’s why his doom is eternal, because so many will have the privilege of lighting his banishing blaze!

I’m trying to keep it together. I’m not giving up. I’ll never give up.

TAKE THAT!

{See what God has to say about this. Click here to read, Just Being Real.}


I'll also soon be reading, K.P. Yohannan's book, Discouragement: Reasons and Answers, that I downloaded for FREE. Click here to get your free copy, too!