The Me I Wish I Could Be

I wish I could be that person who joyfully wakes up at 5 AM and enjoys a cup of joe in the solitude of God’s Presence. As gleefully as that seems in my mind, reality bites me hard at 5 AM and the last thing I want to do is get out of bed for anything or anyone, even God. That may sound terrible and selfish, but I’m nothing if not honest about the real me and not the me I wish I could be.

I tried this lifestyle once, and it was wonderful…if it worked. See, my house is chaos. When I get up, the whole world seems to follow suit. The cats beg for love and food, the dog aches to be let out and given a treat, and Tavin realizes that mommy’s up and there’s no logical reason to be sleeping any longer if that is true.

No matter how quiet I am, tip toeing, stepping over  known creaks in the floorboards, and stirring my iced coffee without the spoon touching the glass,  my solitude ends up becoming the beginnings of a very frustrating and irritating day. But it’s a nice thought that I relish.

I wish I could also be that person who never yells at her children, graciously and tenderly disciplining with love and mercy. No. That’s not me, either. Everything in my life is like sandpaper to my delicate soul. Scratch, scratch, SCRATCH! My emotions are raw and so is my throat by 6 PM.

I used to be a multi-tasker, but then I got tired of doing everything all at once, so now I try to focus on one thing at a time. However, I am continually pulled away from anything I try to do every 2 minutes. (I swear to you, I’m not exaggerating!) It takes me hours to write a 200 word blog thanks to constant interruptions. So sometimes I don’t even bother trying to do anything I want to do anymore. What’s the point?

I wish I could be one of those mothers who talks on the phone most of the day, or sits and reads a good novel while their adorable little one plays quietly. But instead, I numb myself with facebook and Pinterest so I won’t get so disappointed when I’m pulled away—although I am.

The me I wish I could be has a quiet soul, a tamed tongue, and energy to go around for everyone.

But I’m not that person. No matter how hard I try to be something I’m not (anymore), I just can’t get this thing called life right.

I’m a bigger mess than I should probably admit. I pray God can do something spectacular with it all.